The “Chronmericks” of Stella by Rotimi Fawole @TexTheLaw

For about 5 months between 2013-14, former fundraiser for the presidential campaign of President Jonathan, and his erstwhile minister of aviation, Ms Stella Oduah, was under fire. The history of her various battles was captured, at various points, in the compendium of limericks below.

Her first trial came after a tragic spate of air crashes, when she held a press conference and declared, “We do not pray for accidents but it is inevitable… We do everything to ensure that we do not have accidents, but it is an act of God.” She probably meant something closer to “force majeure” and not that these things would happen regardless of how vigilant we mortals were, but she was roundly ridiculed for the statement…

The question that’s now on the table-

Is it true or is it a fable

That aircraft must drop

Accidents won’t stop

It’s really all inevitable?

Shortly thereafter, it emerged that she had given her approval for one of the departments under her supervision to purchase 2 armoured BMWs at a cost of  N255million (US1.6million). Investigations were conducted, leading to a hearing at the Federal Legislature. There, the contractor who imported the cars, a long established auto-industry mogul, admitted bringing the vehicles in via import waivers meant for the Lagos State Sports Festival from the previous year, to avoid tax. As for the minister, she said she realized that the money involved exceeded the statutory ministerial authority (of N100 million) and she qualified her approval of the internal memo with the words “do the needful”. As such, it purportedly then became the government department’s job to see that the cars were procured lawfully. Cue a nation-full of raised eyebrows. Her Director from the department then testified that the cars were not meant for the minister, oh no! They were for dignitaries from IATA and other ministries of aviation. Cue a nation-full of “yeah right!”…

The ministry gave Cos the nod

To buy a Bavarian pod

When you seek reform

It must be the norm

To defend against Acts of God

Ah Cosmas, what manner of goof?

You who were genteelly aloof?

Your attitude’s lax

To evasion of tax

Your bullshit is not bullet-proof!

She ended her evidence, gleeful

Knowing that it was deceitful

As nothing that’s wrong

Is righted for long

By simply adding “Do the needful”.

Wasn’t the best of responses

He told us, now look here you dunces

The cars are for guests

That do all the tests

And give all our planes second chances

Today we are needful of grace

A waiver to hold us in place

When she disapproved

Requests with “approved”

‘Twas needful to throw out her case.

The heat didn’t really die down with the hearing at the House. Not too long afterwards, an “assassination attempt” on Ms Oduah was reported. Luckily for her, she was not in the ambushed car. However, the incident was not reported to the Police until 48 hours afterwards and as for the police investigation, it’s probably best not to say anymore…

She purchased those cars, not in jest

And also a bulletproof vest

The House’s report

Is just writing sport

Now sympathy trumps an arrest

Turned out the Beamer’s weren’t costly

And we were outraged unjustly

To questions about

Corruptional doubt

Our Prez’dent has replied “robustly”

But Stella kept working hard, especially at the international airports, keeping on with the expansions and remodeling. Then, she announced something called the Aerotropolis, that would result in the creation of a world record 10 million jobs! Cynicism trailed almost all she was doing by this time and the jobs projection was met with the greatest skepticism possible…

10 MILLION JOBS, they chorus

And no, don’t say it’s bogus

The latest update

From Aunt ‪#Stellagate

Is the brand new Aerotropolis

By this time, one of her predecessors in office, Chief Femi Fani-Kayode, had published a spiritual hypothesis on plane crashes in Nigeria. He also tweeted this gem about the person of Ms Oduah:

Ah, Fani, what a fella

His tweet last night was hella

Deziani’s got poise

Okonjo rules boys

But oh, what he said about Stella!

Time passed and just when it seemed that the whole fiasco had blown over, Sahara Reporters accused her of certificate forgery.

For Princess, a new revelation

Times Premium in investigation

Is casting a doubt

(Abeg I can’t shout)

On Stella Oduah’s education

In spite of the Grand Renovation

It’s tricky, this school situation

Should all that she’s built

Absolve her of guilt

If she fibbed ’bout her education?

She was then accused of barring State Security Service personnel from the international airports. This was probably a silly rumour and her team promptly denied it.

Ms Stella’s again in the news

Bizarre, but they say she’s refused

To permit access

By the SSS

To airports, and they’ve blown a fuse

Finally, after months of robust silence from the presidency on all matters that concerned her, she was chopped in a cabinet reshuffle. We don’t expect her separation from the president to be permanent however, given their history.

The needful now done somewhat late

Will agencies investigate

Or will this her boot

Be mere parachute

No info, so we speculate

L.Maku says they were not sacked

That in fact, the President’s backed

Their wish to engage

Political stage

And give their home states what they’ve lacked

Ah Stella, the Actress of God

From Ministrial BeeM-ers now shod

A tardy farewell

Though we know too well

Not really, for she’s Johnnie’s blood